Yep, you read it right! So, a few weeks ago, I developed a fluttering noise in my left ear which freaked me the F out. It kinda resembles what I reckon a butterfly would sound like if it was stuck in your lughole. It used to happen every 20 seconds or so, and last for less than an hour.

Lately, if I burp, hiccup or stretch, it can set it off and it can last for hours. It truly is as horrific as it sounds! Turns out, its anxiety-related…who knew?! And to make it worse, my GP doesn’t have a clue what it is or how to help. I feel so alone!!

After doing my own research, it appears to be a small muscle in my ear twitching, just like you might get in your eye. It isn’t very pleasent to deal with for sure, but I’m hoping it’s something my therapist can help me deal with!

I’d love to know if anyone else has experienced this! Let me know in the comments 🙂

Well, hello! It’s been a while!! So I decided to take a bit of a break from blogging to work on myself after having a couple of tough weeks. But I’m back and I have a little update on how everything has been going.

After getting back from a week away in Essex visiting family, I decided to visit the doctors to ask about some medication. If I’m being truly honest, I personally didn’t think I needed anything but it was something that friends and family suggested I try. I didn’t want to rule anything out because there was a slight chance that medication could help. So, I was prescribed Sertraline, which is a pill that helps to regulate the serotonin in your body.

I know this sounds ridiculous but I took one pill and knew that it wasn’t right for me. I felt my anxiety hit the roof, I was very nauseous, I had the chills and I didn’t sleep at all. I felt the worst I had ever felt, and it really shocked me into thinking “right, enough, I can do this on my own”.

That was when I decided to take my anxiety into my own hands. I needed to do something about it until my therapy started, which is when I stumbled across the 5 Day Anxiety Challenge. Each day, I was sent an email with a different coping mechanism to try, which I could then adopt as part of my daily routine. Out of the 5 coping mechanisms, I’ve found 3 of them to be really helpful:

1. Self Care – due to being a ‘Stay At Home Mam’, I often spend pretty much most of my time doing stuff for Evie. And if I’m not doing that, I’m doing the housework, so I rarely take any time out for myself. A part of having a happy mind is taking between 10 minutes to an hour doing something you really love. So that could be having a nice relaxing bath with some music, or reading a book in bed, or going to the gym. In the last few weeks, I’ve been dedicating the odd moment to myself which has in turn, made me feel really good because I’ve done something I enjoy. I think sometimes, it pays to be selfish, especially when it comes to your mental health.
2. Meditation – I know this sounds mega ‘hippy’ but I’ve also found meditation to be quite a big help! Especially when I’ve had a particularly stressful day. I have an app on my phone called ‘Insight Timer’ and it has a lot of different meditation tracks to listen too, ranging from tracks to help with anxiety to sleep. When I’ve had a bad day, I’ve found that the sleep based meditation tracks really help me to unwind and calm down. It usually takes me a good hour to fall asleep on a bad day, whereas when I listen to these tracks, I can be away to the land of nod within 20 minutes!
3. Gratitude List – this one has been the biggest help of all. Each day, I have started writing a Gratitude List in the journal I have on my phone. I’ll spend about 10 minutes at the end of each day writing down the things I feel I am most grateful for that has happened during that day. For example, today I am grateful for the healthy breakfast I made myself this morning. I’ve found that, since writing these lists, I have started concentrating on doing more positive things throughout the day so that I have more things to write about. I do genuinely feel like it’s really helped to pull me out of my negative shell.

So, that’s where I’m at right now! Attempting to take some control over my anxiety instead of letting it control me. And even better, I recieved my start date for CBT this morning!! Yayy!! It starts next week so I’m really looking forward to finally getting the type of help I need.

I’ll most definitely blog about how my CBT sessions are coming along, just incase anyone is interested in how it works 🙂

Yes, it’s that time! We’re FINALLY potty training! And it’s come out of nowhere! Four days ago, I was ranting on to my sister about Evie refusing to use her potty. It was stressing me out because she’s only a year away from Nursery, and while that may seem like a long time, in potty training land, it isn’t.

Literally, that same day, Evie took off her nappy, plonked her butt down on her potty and did her first ever wee! I was so amazed, it was as if she’d overheard me slagging her off and she thought “I’ll prove you wrong!!”. We’re now on day 4 and she’s only had one accident (she pooped on the kitchen floor…I know, very lady-like!) but she really seems to have got the hang of it! I don’t need to remind her to go, she just does it off her own back. She even knows to wipe herself and put it in the potty! I’ve bought her some little Peppa Pig knickers which I’ll try once I know she’s fully mastered it.

Potty training was something I was super scared about because I know how tricky it can be. But I’m in complete awe of her, she’s handling it so well. It won’t all be plain sailing but for the meantime, she’s absolutely smashing it!

1) My Daughter. She can be the best distraction whenever I have my panicky moments. It’s hard at the moment because I’m trying not to show her when I’m down as I don’t want it to rub off on her but sometimes I think she senses it because that’s when she wants the most cuddles!

2) Having a bath while listening music. I even have a playlist of ‘happy’ songs to listen too, so songs that I can dance and sing along too. It’s a bit stress reliever!

3) Letting it out. I bloody love a good cry! I’ve learned in my 27 years of existance that keeping things locked up makes it 10x worse. So a little cry and a chat usually puts things into perspective a bit more.

4) Junk food. Okay, so it’s probably not the best thing to eat but I love nothing more than devouring a whole pack of Party Rings and then washing it down with a glug of Irn Bru! One of the things that I used to let the anxiety affect was my eating, which isn’t good when you have a toddler to take care of. That and it tends to make me feel worse so I’ve started eating whenever Evie does, to make sure I’m taking care of myself.

5) A cuddle. That’s literally all I need somedays. Whether it’s from Matty or my Mam, there doesn’t seem to be anything better.

1. Seeing old couples hold hands

2. Good food! Especially if Matt’s cooked it, he’s an amazing cook!

3. Snow

4. Seeing an empty washing basket!

5. Clean sheets on my bed

6. Looking back on when I used to live with my Mam, and we’d sit and chat for ages in the kitchen while she was making dinner

7. Any fluffy animal, I’m a sucker for cuteness

8. Watching Evie sing along to songs from her favourite movies. Her current obsession is Moana (could be worse!)

9. Listening to my favourite songs while doing my hair

10. Watching it rain outside knowing I’m lovely and warm in my own home

11. Dark nights and cosy pyjamas

12. Wax melts and candles

13. Binge-watching my favourite TV show when Evie’s gone to bed. Almost finished Orange Is The New Black, it’s amazing! And don’t get me started on Stranger Things!!

14. Telling people how me and Matty met

15. I just asked Matt if he could think of any and he said “yeah, me farting”. Which just so happened to make me smile :’)

16. Cuddling Evie on the sofa when it’s bedtime. It’s our routine at the moment, we always wind down together before she heads up to bed!

17. Takeaway pizza (has to be with chilli sauce or I’m not interested)

18. Treating either myself or Evie to something nice

19. A lovely, warm bubbly bath

20. Watching musicals and having a good sing along! I tried to get Evie to watch Hairspray yesterday but she just kept telling me to “stop it!” whenever I sang along. I think I must have been embarrassing her!

What makes you smile? Leave a comment below!

Dear Evie,

So currently, you’re sprawled across both of my legs, fast asleep. Cbeebies finished ages ago, and I’m sat in silence. I’m also busting for a pee, but that doesn’t matter – I’m just enjoying this moment. Mammy hasn’t been feeling so well lately. And I’m sorry for that, but I just want you to know I will never let it ruin our connection. You keep me going everyday, with your oh-so-cute laugh and your amazing smile. I don’t think you realise how much you help me pull myself together – whenever I’m feeling down, it takes seconds for me to come back up to the surface once I’ve had one of your cuddles.

The day you told me you loved me off your own back was the best day. I felt like such a failure, and I felt like I was constantly letting you down. But when you looked up at me and said “I wuv oo”, it made me crumble into teeny tiny peices. It made me realise that none of my bad days matter to you. You have your Mammy, and you love her no matter what.

I’m trying each and every day to push through all of the bad. I know I need to get back to my ‘normal’ self for you, and if that means putting myself into situations that I know make me scared or anxious, then so be it. I WILL come out on the other side of all this, even if it takes a long time.

I love you so much, Princess. You complete me and make me the happiest person on this planet, even if it might not seem that way. Being your Mammy is the best thing in the world, and I thank you for helping me through this, even though you don’t know that you are.

Love, Mammy x

When I woke up this morning and checked the weather, I wasn’t surprised AT ALL to see it was forecast to rain. I mean, come on…it is Britain after all. Matt’s been at work since the crack of dawn so I knew I didn’t want to spend this rainy day sat watching Cbeebies all day.

Evie is a proper water-baby, she always has been! And she LOVES making a mess (RIP my house), so if your little one is the same, then they’ll love this activity! It also helps if you don’t mind the mess!

I grabbed a couple of clean bath towels, lay them on the floor and filled a large pot of water mixed with a little Persil washing up liquid (If your little monkey has sensitive skin, you could use some sensitive skin bubble bath instead). I grabbed some plastic cutlery and beakers, and gave them to her so she could ‘do the dishes’. She absolutely loved it as she thinks shes helping me do the housework – may aswell teach her young!!

I also gave her a clean sponge to help scrub everything with. She seemed to find it fascinating that she could dip the sponge into the water and then squeeze out the water to fill the cups. Having colourful cutlery and cups was a great way for her to remember her colours as well which is a bonus!

Another idea is to grab some toy animals so they can give them a bath, which would really benefit and encourage those toddlers who don’t like to go in the bath themselves!

It was such a simple and easy to set up activity to do, yet she played with it for a good hour or so. I mean, she did end up soaked and the carpet got a bit moist (love that word) but if she’s happy, then I’m happy 🙂